Diez y Seis (Part Two) Froi Dencio 18:26

 

      Saglit akong tumigil at dahan-dahang tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo. Inangat ko siya mula sa kandungan ko, at muling ihiniga sa sofa habang pinoposisisyon ang sarili ko na nakaharap sa kanya. Muling naglapat ang mga lab namin, at naging mas malikot ako sa pagkakataong ito. Gumapang ang labi ko patungo sa kanyang tenga, bumaba sa kanyang leeg at napansin ko ang bahagya niyang pagkagulat; na marahil ay dahil sa kiliting dulot niyaon. Mas umilalim pa ako patungo sa kanyang dibdib at nakaramdam ako ng init mula sa sarili kong dibdib patungo sa ibabang bahagi ng aking katawan. Halos marinig ko na ang pagtibok ng puso naming dalawa na tila mas bumibilis sa bawat kilos na gagawin ko. Gumapang ang mga kamay ko patungo sa bewang niya. Froi Dencio. Just what the hell are you doing?

     Bigla akong natigilan. Nilamon na ako ng kaba na unti-unting naging takot. Takot na di ko maipaliwanag noong mga panahong iyon. Tumayo ako at nagkunwaring tumingin sa aking relo na nagbigay ng munting liwanag sa gitna ng dilim. Binasag ko ang katahimikan.

     “Trish, mukhang masyado na tayong late. Mabuti siguro kung ihahatid na kita pauwi sa inyo.”

     Dahil madilim at hindi ko maaninag ang mukha niya, hindi ko alam kung ano ang naging reaksiyon niya sa kinilos ko. Nakatanggap lang ako ng matipid na sagot mula sa kanya.

     “Ok.”

*****

     Wala nang tricycle sa mga oras na iyon, at dahil isa at kalahating kilometro lang naman ang layo nga bahay nila mula sa bahay nila Andrew, minabuti na lang naming maglakad pauwi. Tahimik kami habang naglalakad. Pareho kaming malalim ang iniisip. At marahil tulad ko, tumatakbo pa rin sa isipan niya ang nangyari kanina bago kami umuwi.

      Sinusubukan kong balikan ang nangyari kanina. Ang maririing mga halik. Ang bigla kong pagtigil. Iniisip ko kung bakit ako napatigil. Kung bakit ako kinabahan at natakot. Perhaps, subconsciously, I was actually afraid of the hazards of premarital sex, like babies. Or maybe, during that time, I was just so lame at getting laid.

     Anuman ang naging dahilan, aminado ako ngayon na may bahagi sa akin ang nanghihinayang. Nanghihinayang sa isang bagay na naganap sana kung hindi ako nadala ng takot. Sa kabilang dako, may bahagi pa rin ng pagmamalaki sa sarili, dahil sa edad na labing-anim ay nagawa kong hindi gawin ang isang bagay na marahil ay gagawin ng ilang kabataan sa ganoong edad, sa ganoong sitwasyon.

*****

      Sa ngayon, sa tuwing tatawag ako sa bahay, lagi ko nang inaasahan ang mga paalala ni Mama tungkol sa pag-aasawa. Madalas din niyang kinukwento ang tungkol sa mga kabatch o mga anak ni ganito o ni ganyan na maagang nakapag-asawa. Dahil siguro sa mga sitwasyong tulad noon kung kayat ganoon nalang ang pagpapaalala niya sa akin ng “anak, hintayin mo munang matapos ng pagaaral ang dalawa mong kapatid bago ka mag-asawa ha?” Na pabiro ko namang sinasagot ng “wala ngang gelpren ngayon Ma, tapos asawa agad?” Bagaman minsan ay napapatawa na lang ako sa mga paalala niya, alam kong para rin sa akin at sa pamilya namin ang mga iyon.

      Bawat taon, patuloy pa rin ang bilang ng maagang nagdadalang-tao at nagkakapag-asawa sa lugar namin. Marami ang hindi pa nakakapagtapos ng hayskul subalit may karga nang anak, at mayroon ding may mga dinadala na sa sinapupunan na mas mababa pa sa labing-anim na taong gulang. Tulad ng Sapang-Kawayan sa dokyumentaryo ni Kara David, alam kong isa itong suliranin na kinakaharap ng aming bayan. Isang suliranin na patuloy na umiiral at nagkukubli sa mukha ng matiwasay naming lugar. Maraming tinuturong dahilan. Kung kani-kanino ibinabaling ang sisi. Katulad ng anumang suliranin sa lipunan, hindi ito basta-basta masusolusyunan. Likas na sa mga kabataan ang pagiging mapusok at hindi ganoon kadali ang pagpigil dito. Bagaman sinisikap ng mga may awtoridad na gumawa ng mga hakbang, abot kamay pa rin ang solusyon. Naniniwala ako na hindi lang isang bahagi ng lipunan ang kailangang kumilos, bagkus, lahat ng bumubuo dito. At malaki ang bahaging gagampanan ng mismong mga kabataan.

     May mga bagay na nagbibigay sa atin ng kaligayahan, subalit maaaring panandalian lamang iyon. May mga bagay na maaari nating piliing gawin kung gugustuhin natin, subalit marapat lang na alam natin ang maaaring kahihinatnan. Sa sitwasyon namin ni Trish, naisip ko na mabuti na rin na walang nangyari sa pagitan naming dalawa. Naghiwalay din kami pagkatapos ng ilang buwan. Nakita ko siya nitong nakaraang taon, maganda ang pinapasukang trabaho, at pinapaaral na rin ang kapatid tulad ko. Minsan, naiisip ko na marahil, iba ang takbo ng buhay namin ngayon sakaling bumigay kami sa kapusukan noon. Masaya ako para sa kanya at sa narating niya. Sa ngayon hindi ako nagmamadali. May panahon para sa mga bagay-bagay. Mas masarap nga talaga siguro ang isang prutas kapag nahinog na.

Land Ahoy! Froi Dencio 10:45

      

A ship approaching port near the Strait of Gibraltar

       Being a seafarer allows you to go places, absolutely for free. Though the next question would be something like this: Have you enjoyed your trip to those places you have been to as a seafarer? Even it is a fact that we, as seafarers are able to go from on place to another, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have all the leisure we can get out of those places. It might be somewhere like Brazil, where anyone would have an automatic picture of Rio de Janeiro in the mind; Barcelona, where, perhaps one might imagine the famous Sagrada Famiglia Cathedral or Singapore where Sentosa, Marina Bay and its well-known trademark, the Merlion are all real places that one might be pondering about once all those places are heard. It is called association. Association in such sense that we tend to associate words with pictures. We heard or read a particular word, a name of a place for instance, then we picture out something associated with that place.

      At this point, a seafarer’s stereotyping-induced dilemma takes place. He posted on a social networking site his location (there are internet connections on vessels nowadays), or maybe a photo of a certain place or port from other country, then his friends as well as his family would definitely post a thread of comments in awe.Maybe they were thinking that when a seafarer is in a port who happen to be granted with shore leave, he is now free to travel on that country. Perhaps he would go to bars, drink some booze, make some acquaintance with foreign women and roam around the city. Little did they know that being on other land as a seafarer doesn’t guarantee a full-time getaway or total sight-seeing.

     I’ve been to different ports, but I can’t say that I truly enjoyed all those places outside the country. I guess it takes a profound sense of appreciation and keen observation before one can say that he enjoyed a place so much, even if it’s for a short period of time. If I am going to count the number of times a ship berths to a port, it would be an average of twice a month depending on the origin of the vessel to its point of destination. Considering that number, I can go to 18 different countries or places based on the number of months as per my contract which is nine months. With that, I can boast to my friends back on the Philippines that I’ve been here and there, did this and that, saw this and that, so on and so forth. Unfortunately, that idea is something that is very unlikely to happen.

      A seafarer is specifically hired on board a vessel to work. Nothing more, nothing less. The good thing is that he has the opportunity to go to different countries or places since it is included in his line of work. But looking at the other way, even though he is able to go to those places, he cannot spend his time there like a common tourist or a backpacker. He will, go out of the ship, take some few hours unwinding on an environment devoid of work, then go back to the ship. Sometimes he is actually deprived of this opportunity because he is expected to perform his duties during port operations.

      Seeing this situation every now and then, I realized that I can make the most out of my time once I happen to go on shore leave, or even on a short transit to a certain area, say, the Suez Canal. Going to places would be fun, even if it would be on a short period of time. All I need to do is widen my perspective, invite new ideas and look at everything on various point of view. Through that I can learn and become knowledgeable about different people and places. I can also obtain enjoyment as well as peace of mind by simply admiring those things I see and new to me and then I can tell stories (the good ones) to my family and friends once I finish my contract and return back home.

     Opportunities like shore leave allows a seafarer to enjoy life away from his tiring job on board. He can choose to enjoy his short-term stay on foreign land or be depressed due to overspending. Whatever his choice is, it would definitely affect his own well-being. Anyone would say that there is no easy job in the world out there and seafaring is not an exception. Hence, chances are given to unburden people of their toxic routines. We will always work to suffice our needs but it is not even a reason for us to stop enjoying life. We can be too tired of our job and all we can do is rest. But one thing is for sure. We always have a choice.

I confess… Froi Dencio 11:06

      I am a human. Living in this world for survival. I believe that I have my own purpose, but until now it’s nowhere beyond my understanding. I ‘m trying to live with the society’s standards. I want to adhere to it, live in peace without any guilt but my own nature as a human contradicts the laid structure of its ethics. I want to live my life to the fullest, but every strand of my humanity tells me that I am bound to live a life amidst the cruelty of this world. I try hard to survive my own dilemmas. I strangle to fight and break free from the shackles of my own dark persona. I keep on trying to overcome my own weaknesses, but every time I try to make a step forward, an endless void appears before me; devouring my will to redeem myself. Today would be the start of another battle. A battle against me, against my own self, against the odds my own mind created. Hence, today I will start to lighten the burden of my heart. I will face the truth and bathe myself in light. To try in my own way how to live in life without regrets. Hence, I confess.

     I confess about my sins. My sinful nature as a human, my imperfections that made me inclined to worldly desires. I confess all of those selfish desires, all those things that my eyes have seen, that my head welcomed without any second thought, that my darkness feed on to nourish itself. I confess that I let myself fall into the abyss of sins, with myself knowing that I would fall. I confess that due to my own insolence I am arrogant. I keep on believing that I would be forgiven and would be given another chance, but I set aside both things and continued on adhering to the call of my own desires. Hence, I confess.

     I confess about my own desires, my carnal desires. I confess that because of these things I let my guard down and let the world feed on me. I was so naïve and carefree. I keep on telling my self that I won’t be swayed by what I see, by what I hear. I was totally blinded by my own belief, and let the prevailing trend consume on my curiosity. I confess that my lust has led me to a depth that I’m starting to break into pieces, that I am starting to be covered in darkness. I confess that it started to create an alternate universe inside my head, making an escape hub from the real world. I confess that I keep on living on vivid fantasies, fueled by my carnal desires and tried in vain to stop the expansion of the said universe. Today I will take a stand to take over my own self. To stop what I have to stop. To live in the real world with real people. Hence, I confess.

       I confess about my weakness. My weakness that makes me a lowly pathetic human. I was given a brain to judge, a heart to decide. I was considered superior among all other creatures, but I am weak. I confess that I was considered superior but cannot prove that argument. I make decisions, make judgments and make some choices. I make all of them to live life the way I want it to be, but I end up empty and clueless of my very own life. I’ve been looking at life with various perspective, but cannot find my own purpose. I want to overcome my weakness, my inability to properly use my God-given talents to find my purpose. Hence, I confess.

       I confess about my doubts, my agnosticism. I confess that there are times that I almost doubt the existence of the Divine. I confess that I only ask for His guidance when I need Him the most, when I have no one beside me to help me. I confess that I am arrogant at the same time ignorant, that my faith is easily swayed, that I don’t stand to what I see is right. I confess that as a human I keep on making excuses, that I make a senseless argument to make my sins just. I confess that I know the Law of the Divine, but tries to become ignorant to cover up for what I did wrong. I confess that I see people doing wrong, but I do nothing to tell them that what they did is wrong. I need to straighten my path in life. I need to have a promising relationship with the Divine. Hence, I confess.

        I confess about everything that is in me that holds me to the path of being humane. I confess about everything that is in me that holds me to have a life with no regrets, a-not-so-perfect but contented life, a life that I wish I could live to the fullest. I confess everything that is in me that holds me to have faith not faltered. I confess that I make sins intentional or unintentional, but I am bind to become accountable to those sins. I want to know my purpose and I believe that this would be the first step in knowing that very purpose. Hence, I confess.

Photo: credits to the owner.

The story of Chinese lansones and the price of my stupidity Froi Dencio 22:50

           

           “Walang manloloko kung walang magpapaloko,” sabi nga ng isang kasabihang Pinoy. Minsan katangahan lang talaga at poor judgment ang pinapairal ng tao kaya lagi siyang naloloko. Minsan naman, kahit anong ingat ng isang tao para hindi siya maloko, dumadating pa rin sa puntong maloloko at maloloko siya. Tutal magpa-Pasko naman, siguradong marami ang magte-take advantage sa sitwasyon at manloloko na naman ng kapwa nila (though same applies to everyday situation). Ngayon, kapag intentional na naisahan ako ng kapwa ko, hindi ko sila pinagmumura o sinusumpa. Pinapakulam ko sila (just kidding).  Sinasabi ko na lang na baka mas nangangailangan sila o di kaya’y bahala na si Lord sa kanila. Kapag naman bigla kong narealize na super katangahan na talaga ang pinairal ko, bumubuntong-hininga na lang ako. Haist.

Appearance can be deceiving; a fruit can look so delicious but in reality,

it doesn’t even appeal to your taste buds