Why I Believe in God

        "I don't think we still need God or religion. Science can already explain everything."

         It was the remark of one of the captains I've been with on my second vessel.  Even though most of the crew were celebrating Christmas downstairs, he chose to stay on the bridge to be on the watch. I was also the watchman during that time, so after eating to my heart's content, I went to the bridge to resume with my duties. Little did I know that I will have a conversation with our captain that will cover things such as beliefs and ideologies.

         He is an atheist. He told me that he would choose not to celebrate Christmas on board if not for the sake of respecting the beliefs of other crew members. He said that science paved way for people to be free of the clutches of myths that hindered advancement. I listened to him as he enumerated how science overtook religion from one way to another. I want to argue with him, but given my position on board, I just listened and tried to understand his point of view.

Random sa Bisperas ng Balentayns

Excited na ako sa magiging luto sa ampalaya bukas!

         Valentine's na bukas pero nasa barko pa rin ako. Naalala ko nang nakaraang taon, nakapunta ako ng Dangwa para mamili ng bulaklak. Nang pauwi na (sa Fairview) medyo malayo nilakad ko at nakipambuno pa sa pagsakay sa bus. Nakarating naman ng di masyadong lamog ang mga bulaklak sa mga pagbibigyan. Doon ko na-realize na pwede pala akong maging delivery boy.


         Valentine's na bukas. Sabi ni second cook magluluto daw siya ng ampalaya. Iniisip ko naman kung anong magandang luto sa ampalaya. Yung usual na me itlog ba o ihahalo lang sa pinakbet? Wish ko lang na 'wag niyang kilawin ang ampalaya bukas.


         Valentine's na bukas. Pero ngayon pa lang andame nang PBB teens sa FB. Post ng mga bulaklak. Mga hart hart kuno. Mga pumuporeber. Bakit ba kasi nagiging overrated na ang February 14?!


         Nitong nakaraang araw me nakita akong post na picture ng "boypren" di umano ng sis ko. Naka-tag kay sis, me nakalagay na "Happy 5th Monthsary Mahal Koh." Yes, may "h" ampotek. Nag init mukha ko at nag-comment lang ng "Edi waw!" saka me emoji ng kamao at bungo.


         Dahil dun nakapagpost pa ako ng ganito sa wall ko: "Sa galit ko ngayon makakagawa ako ng atomic bomb mula sa tiniktik na kalawang. Tapos lalagyan ko ng ribbon. Then send ko senyo sa Valentine's."


         Sa kabila ng nag-aalab na damdamin nitong nakaraan, nakakatuwa rin dahil nakatanggap ako ng magandang balita. Approved na ang promotion ko. Yay!


         Valentine's na bukas pero nasa kwarto lang siguro ako ng buong maghapon. Magmo-movie marathon siguro o matutulog lang. O magpe-pretend lang  na ako ay isang bubuyog na nasa bingit na ng insanity dahil walang makitang bulaklak sa paligid.

Photo: Google Images


          I looked at the porthole for a long time. There, a small white pot planted with a succulent leaf caught my attention. How long has it been when I planted it there? Weeks? Months? I couldn’t really remember. As I went near the plant for closer examination, I saw that molds grew around the leaf, some part were already eaten out to rot. I knew from that moment that hoping for the plant to live is futile, and it’s only a matter of time for its very existence to cease.

         It’s my fourth time to be in a commercial vessel. And in every vessel, I always make sure to raise a plant, give it a name, and talk to it sometimes like it’s a real person. Pretty crazy huh? Believe me. When working on a ship, you will somehow awaken that craziness inside of you from time to time.

         As I said before, it is my fourth time to be in a commercial vessel. Yet, I managed to grow a plant on board for the fifth time. That fifth plant was the one I placed near the porthole. I watered it as necessary, tilled the soil and bathed it in sunlight.  When the first roots became visible, I was overjoyed. I was excited for it to grow. I was excited that somehow, when it turn into a small shrub, it will take away the gloom of my room.

         That excitement turned into sadness when I saw that death became imminent for the poor plant. I already pictured out how lovely it will turn out to be, teeming with life in its small niche overlooking the blue ocean. I already imagined how it will make a small difference: an escape from my exhaustive day’s job and how it will make me smile on days that I might feel sad. So much with the expectations I burdened this small plant that it seemed to have given up on itself.

         I wondered where I had gone wrong in the past months for it not to continue to grow. I remembered how I carefully sifted the soil in its pot. I have made sure that it is neither too wet nor too dry. I did everything that I know in rearing this type of plant but this very moment proved that all my efforts are in vain.

         And then I realized that all this time I didn’t gave the plant a name. It’s quite weird because I named all the plant I had in the previous vessel, except for this one. How come I wasn’t able to name it when I cannot contain my excitement for it to grow? Perhaps I was too occupied with my expectations and my vision of the future that I forgot naming it. Perhaps subconsciously, I decided that I will name it when it is full grown, with leaves, flowers and all. A name doesn’t matter now though. Soon, it will wither and die and rot in the soil.

         I looked at the plant and felt the melancholy once again. This time, things were reflected on myself. I grew up believing that I always have a green thumb.  The belief that I can grow a plant no matter how harsh an environment could be turned out to be just a mere delusion. I was wrong to assume that I can and I will always be able do such feat. I was so full of myself until a slap of reality brought me back to my senses and made me realize that there is no such thing as a perfect ability. 

           That realization and the memories that had happened in the past days enveloped my room in a gloomy atmosphere. It's inevitable. I closed the curtains of the porthole and decided to lay down for a moment. Staring blankly at the ceiling, I knew that everything will no longer be the same.