Marino Diaries

 People may never understand his plight, but one thing is for sure: he always got a friend in me.

Unlabeled
By S.E.

          I've been working as a seaman for some time now. From time to time I have to deal with my crew mate's attitude towards me. I have to conform to the standards that may not be written but implied by the industry whose patriarchal complex and machismo is at large. Like most people who struggle in their workplaces trying to be themselves, trying to avoid discrimination, mine is of no exception. Let me share my story, a story of personal journey to self-acceptance in a world where the definition of the word acceptance is elusive.

           I remember when I was still a kid. I was innocent and carefree. All I wanted to do was play and have fun, until I grew up and the world introduced me into their set of rules. Boys are supposed to do this and girls are supposed to do that. If you won’t conform to the society’s expectations then you will be labelled like an object and be a subject to never-ending insults, making you beg for what is supposed to be given free to everyone-LOVE.

           Sometimes I ask God why He allowed me to be like this. Why do I have to see the world differently? Why would His creations hate me and tell me that I am nothing but garbage in the society, a disease. Does God really despise me? Am I not His son? Have I really been sent by Lucifer to lead mankind’s extinction? These perceptions are the very same barriers that hold me down. I am a prisoner of sexist ideology, tied to the ground their stereotypical judgments.

           For a guy who’s always been in constant struggle in finding affection and acceptance, life is not easy. While I’m up fighting an endless battle I’ve always had for more than half of my life, people around me will never cease to enjoy ideas regarding sexuality in which they have declared themselves masters at. Little do they know that it’s more than a What-you-see-is-what-you-get situation. Sexuality is a complicated puzzle. Being a hard one to decipher, in some cases, it had lead for some to question self-worth and their existence. It had even claimed lives because of the society’s pretentious idea of righteousness and godliness.

           The only way of moving forward is by suppressing every thought and emotion, practically everything about my genuine identity. I admit I would want myself to break free from the barriers that have been holding me, but I am afraid of the things that would come after. I am afraid that I would turn out to be the same generic gay guy the society had stereotyped. I am afraid how the world is going to receive me, and of course my family, whom I have always lived for. Will all my efforts of trying to be a good son and a brother go to waste? Will they still see me as the same person they have shared home with? Will I all of a sudden be a stranger to them?

            Self–acceptance is freedom or so they say. But being under the scrutinizing eyes of the people who refuse to understand how it is being on my shoes don’t seem to make that valid at all. I am torn between what I feel is right and what the society imposes to be the only way of living. I don’t see the significance of choices and living one’s own life.

           From then on, freedom is out of reach, but now as I think of it, I am not the problem. I was never the problem but the world is, blinded by too much light shed on it, failing to see the person that I really am. The guy who wants to succeed in his life and be capable of giving his parents the life they’ve always wanted to give their children but couldn’t. The guy who laughs at silly things and cries when his soul is beaten down. The guy who wants to find someone whom he will spend his life with. Have kids and a home. Go to the mall. Eat at ice cream shops. Watch sunsets. I want to be with someone I know I am going to be happy with and that is not a bad thing because to love was and will never be wrong for God is Love.

           All I have ever done was love and that is the only thing that I deeply needed. But why is it that all I ever receive is hate? I have never harmed anyone. I have always been silent, tried to be somebody whom nobody cares about. I have always been avoiding attention but when they do realize my presence, it will be the start of my never ending struggle. Emotional and mental abuse can lead me to self-destruction. But I won’t let it be my end. I just couldn’t.

           God is love, I remembered and all of a sudden I am awake. God is love. I keep on repeating it to myself like a long forgotten mantra.

         I am all that and gender will never dictate my relevance in this world. I will never fear destructive comments from people who don’t know a single thing about my personality for I am not a bad person. I will never seek revenge to those who did me wrong for I am better than that. No, I will never declare myself holy nor will I deny being a sinner. The world can judge but they can never destroy me because I have faith in God for I am His son. I will always remember that there is no evil in honesty and it shall never be called acceptance of fault. I am choosing happiness and freedom for the person that I genuinely am. Besides, I didn’t choose to be gay, I woke up like this.