Throwback: College Dilemma

Reality from Within

           Another day has passed…only to spawn my exhausted mind with series of flashbacks, bad memories and unwanted things, whirling repeatedly on my head. Slowly, without any disturbing noise, I lied on my bed, looking blankly at the ceiling; thinking of my college life’s perplexed state. “I am not supposed to endure this intellectual imprisonment and emotional dilemma,” my mind would tell me. I can’t help but reminisce the past… the previous times when I am not yet within this strong citadel of  deprivation, inside the institution that shaped and changed the person who is in me….
            As far as I could remember, I entered college full of enthusiasm, vigor and vivacity. Mesmerized by the embellished description of the school, training, facilities and education, the ember of curiosity and excitement ignited on me with such alacrity as the schedule of classes draws near. I knew that something awaits me; something that is unanticipated lying over the horizon for me to face.
            June. It was our first night on the institution. I was with my comrades to experience something that marked a deep imprint on our young hearts and mind. It created shadows of doubt which we endured during the first and second semester of first year. It was something that made us part of the scholar world contained in the program; inside the system of interconnected lives. Life went on during those times. We cried and we shed tears. We laughed when we exchanged hilarious experiences; we laughed at those mischievous things we’ve made. The hard times enabled our bodies to take pain without hesitation, made our connection with one another equal to that of what is prevailing between brothers and the awareness of the truth and lies that exist on the scheme. Everything was put pieces by pieces like a puzzle to make the picture clear of where we really are. From there we saw ourselves amidst the gargantuan tentacles of a kraken, ready to lure us into its hungry mouth…
            Realization really hurts; same with the truth that pierced our minds down to our soul. We all felt trapped and put to place where we can’t make any choice but to stay. A place where we are supposed to experience things in order for us to grow, but we are deprived by it. Disappointment arose time to time since things were not happening in the way that me and my fellow second year scholars expect them to be. We couldn’t do anything but to discuss on ourselves the place and our present situation, to compare ourselves with  the condition of other scholars from other school, to utter regrets and blames and finally, to silently intimidate ourselves.
            We all really felt left behind by time and fate. I’m not on the part of being pessimist, nor I am on the negative attitude towards the institution and the endless complains on school burdens. It is on the opportunities we had let go of in the past. Like the fine sands passing betwixt the fingers of my hands, I was then holding lots of opportunities and choices but I just let go of them without further regard on the outcomes… we keep on bearing on our minds the what ifs and I shouldn’t thoughts, still nothing can be done to change everything. All we can do is to look toward the frontiers of space around the school. To watch the distant stars overhead at night and to increase the thirst for answer of what lies on the other side of the mountains or what subsist beyond the sea. Simply put, we are just imagining things that are not present on the place that took hold of us for years.
            I took a deep breath, only to notice that it was already past ten. My memories drift back, leaving my mind blank again. Looking through the darkness, I slowly closed my eyes…I wonder if something will change the things that we keep on labeling reality; I wonder if something awaits us in the future to make our dreams real…